baby drama

June 07. Wedding date. B and I won't be ready for kids for a while. The plan is to travel frequently and save money. (DEF HAD FUN. SAVING MONEY? COULDA DONE BETTER)

Dec.07-Dec.08. Living day by day. Dad becomes terminally ill and dies almost a year later. (BABIES NEVER CROSSED OUR MIND AT THIS TIME. MAYBE IT SHOULD HAVE)

Spring 09. We decide we'll try during the summer. (WOULDA STARTED TRYING NOW IF I'D HAVE KNOWN WHAT WOULD COME)

June 09. Stop BC pills. (SHOULDA DONE THIS MONTHS AGO!)

July 09. Start trying after getting back from vacation. (MY MOTHER GOT PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY, SO WHY SHOULDN'T I?)

August 09. Monthly messenger arrives to announce I'm not pregnant. (OKAY MAYBE IT WILL BE NEXT MONTH)

September 09. Not pregnant. (WELL SOMETIMES IT TAKES THREE MONTHS...)

October 09. Late. Get a negative pregnancy test first week and don't take another one - thinking I'll get symptoms or a period. At about four weeks late, on a Saturday I have an experience that I self-diagnose as a miscarriage. Hometown gyno says to look on the bright side - everything seems to be working. That's it.

November 09. Not pregnant.

December 09. PREGNANT!!!!! Great joy! Make appt with new gyno in the "city." Make announcement to families at Christmas. Internet browsing for baby stuff. Reread 11 pregnancy books faster than I've read anything in my life. Happy happy happy. Oh yes and crazy symptoms too. But only one sick day.

January 10. Monday school resumes after Christmas break. I start spotting immediately. Wednesday sonogram looks abnormal. Thursday after school miscarriage begins. Lasts 48 hours. Excruciating pain. Had pain pills this time. (MOURNED MORE THAN I EXPECTED. DEFINITELY MORE THAN THE FIRST TIME)

Dr. sends blood off for different tests. Says to hold off on baby making for three months.

Tests return normal. So this is where I am. We get to try again in April.

Been meaning to do this...

...since last summer. I found out today that my little sister has a blog. I could tell she was apprehensive for me to read it - because it was "negative" - "her place to vent." I read it and loved it for how real it was.

Being real in front of strangers is sometimes easier than with family and friends. I hate letting people down. Especially my mother. If I'm not smiling when I talk to her on the phone she asks what's wrong.

Before I started this I was wondering what my theme would be. Cooking? "Trying" to have a baby? Starting a writing career? Being a teacher? And who's going to read this, and therefore, how honest do I want to be?

I couldn't narrow my theme, and I couldn't think of a creative name for my blog. Any ideas?