Woes

Last night I panicked about TAKS, my organizational and housekeeping abilities, my writing ability. I couldn't sleep for hours. Tossing side to side-different scenes playing in my head-all the things I've fallen behind on or completely lacked to do this year. Sometimes I think the longer I teach, the worse I get.

I think all questioning of my self stems from an incident a few weeks ago. I had something happen at work that really shook my professional confidence. I overheard someone making fun of me - or at least I'm pretty sure. Totally felt like high school. But it's made me question the way that my coworkers perceive me. I've always been the smart girl, but now in a new place with new people I wonder if something in my cheerful personality makes some people think I'm not so smart. I almost want to stop being friendly to people at school and just do my job. I was so crushed for a few days, then I decided it's time I grew a thicker skin. I've been getting my feelings hurt all my life and I finally think I'm ready to get over it. But I can't help but find myself more cautious. And I haven't been able to turn the other cheek with this rude individual.

When the bad stuff happens - I'm stressed or have a bad day, bad changes happen and what not - I question my career. Do I really love this? Is it worth it? Sometimes when I think about a change I feel trapped. I don't know what else I'd do. Sure I have a degree in advertising/marketing but do I have any experience? No. I just have no idea what I'd do.

I guess the truth of the matter is, I need to pray about it. And that gives me comfort. I remember I don't have to carry this burden alone.

And I need to have a baby!

Perfect Day

I get busy and forget about blogging. I hope now that I have a netbook I'll remember more often!

I had a wonderful day today. I was totally on my own; Bryan left for a track meet at 4am and I slept in until I woke up at 9. The day was mine to do whatever I chose. No one to consider. No one to check-in with. I felt more free than I have in a long time!

That may sound bad in regards to my husband. I don't mean it that way. I'm just a VERY independent person and my husband is not. So today was a day that rarely happens. It felt great.

I ate breakfast and had coffee and decided to go to Amarillo and buy a netbook. I had been thinking this over since last August. I just did it. By the way, Best Buy is so slow and annoying. I almost walked out. But I really wanted my netbook-so i gave in.

I ran to Market Street, Starbucks, a few places looking for some self-tanner. Oh, and had to retrieve my debit card from Leals that I left behind Wednesday.

Came home. Let my doggies in and finished reading Eclipse. Wow! Started Breaking Dawn on a Kindle from school. Have to say, the Kindle is kind of fun. It's easier to hold than a book. I didn't think I'd like it, but I do.

I'm just home, snuggling in my cozy house-in from the foggy cold outside, reading, with my doggies by my side. Waiting for my babydoll to get home. I'm really so lucky to have this cozy life.

Three weeks to TAKS. Frenulectomy behind me. Waiting on Bryan's test results. A bit of a stressful time I guess. The reality is if Bryan doesn't pass this test he may have to find a new job in a new district.

So our whole livelyhood kind of depends on that. Part of me wishes he would get a new job close by so he could work for a different coach. Sunray. Bushland.

Part of me wants to go toward Dallas or Austin. But I cringe at the thought of packing and moving and unpacking and redecorating. And of trying to sell the house. And take on rent or a 2nd mortgage at the same time.

For the most part I'm cozy here. Hopefully B passes his test so we are not forced to do something we don't want to do.

Blah

I think I'm experiencing some mild depression since the miscarriage. I don't want to clean my house. I want to cook and eat and watch tv. I guess that's normal. I need company so I'll be forced to clean!

And the miscarriage was a month ago...