Last night I panicked about TAKS, my organizational and housekeeping abilities, my writing ability. I couldn't sleep for hours. Tossing side to side-different scenes playing in my head-all the things I've fallen behind on or completely lacked to do this year. Sometimes I think the longer I teach, the worse I get.
I think all questioning of my self stems from an incident a few weeks ago. I had something happen at work that really shook my professional confidence. I overheard someone making fun of me - or at least I'm pretty sure. Totally felt like high school. But it's made me question the way that my coworkers perceive me. I've always been the smart girl, but now in a new place with new people I wonder if something in my cheerful personality makes some people think I'm not so smart. I almost want to stop being friendly to people at school and just do my job. I was so crushed for a few days, then I decided it's time I grew a thicker skin. I've been getting my feelings hurt all my life and I finally think I'm ready to get over it. But I can't help but find myself more cautious. And I haven't been able to turn the other cheek with this rude individual.
When the bad stuff happens - I'm stressed or have a bad day, bad changes happen and what not - I question my career. Do I really love this? Is it worth it? Sometimes when I think about a change I feel trapped. I don't know what else I'd do. Sure I have a degree in advertising/marketing but do I have any experience? No. I just have no idea what I'd do.
I guess the truth of the matter is, I need to pray about it. And that gives me comfort. I remember I don't have to carry this burden alone.
And I need to have a baby!
That Aha Moment
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That *aha* moment. That moment when the waters cleared, and the depth
revealed itself. That moment when I realized there was so much more to the
writ...
10 years ago
I'm the same way -- ultra sensitive to get my confidence shaken.
ReplyDeleteTo tell you the truth, I bet that girl wasnt making fun of you, or probably even talking about you at all. Its a paranoia you and I share..... (remember when you thought some people were mad at you because you left the wedding early, although really you didnt leave it early at all!)
Then step back and think about it.....are you the type of person who would make fun of someone like that? no. Are you someone who's friends made fun of people like that? no. So if she was making fun of you......heck, you're not friends with her for a reason!!!! Thats pretty pathetic of her to STOOP to making fun of someone, not to mention immature.
So in the end......rather than feeling self conscious, you should feel sorry for her. She is truly the one who is insecure.]
Because you are a smarty pants hot tamale and they may just be a little jealous!!! (or a lotta jealous!)
Oh I've had many of the same thoughts, many a night. I've very consciencous of what people think about me (why I don't know, because it doesn't change me), but I'm a people pleaser I guess. I am very passionate about everything I do and hate when things aren't perfect. You are an amazing person and I'm certain you are an amazing teacher. Your cheery personality is what makes you you....don't let some other teacher change your attitude.
ReplyDeleteI believe we get harder on ourselves each year that we teach. We know more and our kids seem to know less....so we feel very unprepared when the evil TAKS test rolls around. Chin up!!! And keep smiling :) Your huge inviting smile is what pops into my head when I think of you!
Thanks you guys...
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